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There are so many questions running through my head. It's like my heart has a mind of its own and both my heart and mind are involved in a continuous debate. I had no idea that it was possible to feel so many things all at once.
I once read somewhere that the Pisces symbol represents an emotional turmoil. So maybe it is because I was born to feel this way or maybe my situation would cause such a turmoil in any other person. I don't know the reasoning behind it. But I know that I feel stagnant in a whirlpool of my emotions. I'm defenseless to them as I watch them mold my thoughts, my actions.
My heart is yearning and trying so hard to conquer my mind's sense of logic. But I'm refusing to let my heart rule over my mind. I'm known to act by my emotions. But that's exactly how I managed to wedge myself into the center of this whirlpool. My feet are locked down and I'm watching the question marks whirl past me just to come back, bombarding me with more behind them.
I guess it's true that nothing good ever lasts. But my question is, was it ever good in the first place? Did it just seem so nice because it was my first love? And then there's the most dreadful question of them all... Was it all just an act? Maybe it was just an act on his part and I was just his puppet in love.
But how can anyone act so much?... Hit me so deep with their words? And wouldn't I have realized sometime in the middle? At least I should have gotten a doubt! Or am I really that gullible? Then comes the most dangerous of them all... What if it wasn't an act and it meant as much to him as it did to me? But if he truly loved me, then what's keeping him away? Is his ego really more important to him than me, than this pain? Or is his ego clouding his judgement; blocking his will to apologize?
If he is truly that nice, sweet, decent guy that I got to know, then how could he just turn around and disapear from my life? ...No questions asked, let alone answered. This is the question that leaves me clueless. I stop and think; what is the logic behind hurting me with silent torture in retort to his painstaking family problem? Is it immaturity or masochism that drove him to make that 180 degree turnover of his personality?
The most deviant element of this whirlpool is the emotions amongst which these questions arise. I now know that it is possible to feel happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy because of the support my friends continue to give me. And I know most of the people outside my bubble of support are looking at me like the bitch that hurt a man. And I really don't mind at all. Let me play the part because I'd rather be the bitch than be looked down at with pity; which would be the effect of the knowledge of the truth... The truth which is that it is really the other way around. The man hurt the bitch.
I think the main concept to this mosaic of many emotions is that I am truly happy because I know that I deserve much better. But this happiness is made bittersweet by the desperate wish that he was the best.
There are so many questions running through my head. It's like my heart has a mind of its own and both my heart and mind are involved in a continuous debate. I had no idea that it was possible to feel so many things all at once.
I once read somewhere that the Pisces symbol represents an emotional turmoil. So maybe it is because I was born to feel this way or maybe my situation would cause such a turmoil in any other person. I don't know the reasoning behind it. But I know that I feel stagnant in a whirlpool of my emotions. I'm defenseless to them as I watch them mold my thoughts, my actions.
My heart is yearning and trying so hard to conquer my mind's sense of logic. But I'm refusing to let my heart rule over my mind. I'm known to act by my emotions. But that's exactly how I managed to wedge myself into the center of this whirlpool. My feet are locked down and I'm watching the question marks whirl past me just to come back, bombarding me with more behind them.
I guess it's true that nothing good ever lasts. But my question is, was it ever good in the first place? Did it just seem so nice because it was my first love? And then there's the most dreadful question of them all... Was it all just an act? Maybe it was just an act on his part and I was just his puppet in love.
But how can anyone act so much?... Hit me so deep with their words? And wouldn't I have realized sometime in the middle? At least I should have gotten a doubt! Or am I really that gullible? Then comes the most dangerous of them all... What if it wasn't an act and it meant as much to him as it did to me? But if he truly loved me, then what's keeping him away? Is his ego really more important to him than me, than this pain? Or is his ego clouding his judgement; blocking his will to apologize?
If he is truly that nice, sweet, decent guy that I got to know, then how could he just turn around and disapear from my life? ...No questions asked, let alone answered. This is the question that leaves me clueless. I stop and think; what is the logic behind hurting me with silent torture in retort to his painstaking family problem? Is it immaturity or masochism that drove him to make that 180 degree turnover of his personality?
The most deviant element of this whirlpool is the emotions amongst which these questions arise. I now know that it is possible to feel happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy because of the support my friends continue to give me. And I know most of the people outside my bubble of support are looking at me like the bitch that hurt a man. And I really don't mind at all. Let me play the part because I'd rather be the bitch than be looked down at with pity; which would be the effect of the knowledge of the truth... The truth which is that it is really the other way around. The man hurt the bitch.
I think the main concept to this mosaic of many emotions is that I am truly happy because I know that I deserve much better. But this happiness is made bittersweet by the desperate wish that he was the best.
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