Today, I went to my regular ophthalmology postings. But I had to leave. I couldn't stay. I felt suffocated by all of their thoughts. That makes no sense, I know. How can others' thoughts smother a person? But they can. And they do suck the oxygen out of the room. Because these girls don't try to hide their thoughts. Or maybe they just don't care enough to even try. The speakings' of their minds are displayed right on their faces. They paint a picture with just the movement of a few facial muscles. They create expressions that speak so many words that would never dare come by way of their larynges.
Sometimes it is the mere emptiness of their expressions that say so much. They think so much about not expressing their true opinions, that they fail in hiding their joy. Why are they so joyous? Well, now that is just a stupid question. Because nothing could make them more ecstatic than to know that the notorious junior and the good looking (but never to be impressed by any of them) classmate of theirs finally broke up.
Before we broke up, I could see jealousy on some of their faces. Others probably didn't care about him in particular, just the part about him being my senior. They thought, "This junior is out of bounds." It was always so easy to read those faces. Then after we broke up, their jealous expressions turned into smug ones. They finally got what all of them had been wishing for all those months when he and I were together. Now everyday, the mere image of me brings them pure joy for despite their lack of that man, at least they have a man; which is more than what I can say for the time being. That is, these are THEIR smothering thoughts.
And then there are those few girls in his class who actually started to like me more once I started dating him. Maybe it was because I was dating their boyfriends' friend. So they felt a connection with me. But that connection is now broken. It broke before I could use the connection to bring them closer into the bubble. And now, neither I nor they know how we're supposed to react with the other. Some won't look at me anymore; others just bear blank expressions. The fact is, they don't really know what our breakup story is. Who knows what that man spoke. Seeing that he strokes his ego like it's his soulmate, he probably consoled his conscience by lying to everyone and possibly himself that I was the one to shatter his heart to peices, when really he was the one that took me for granted.
Sometimes I think, maybe I should have tried harder to get close to those nicer girls. Maybe they could have helped save our relationship. But then, I was in the high tide of getting to know him. Where was the time to get close to his friends too? And I was so busy trying to keep him private, all to myself. I didn't feel it was right to open up about him to others, except those very close to me. But I know deep down, that none of this would have mattered. He cut all forms of communication and he wasn't willing to listen to reason. Either he lost control of his temper only to realize too late or he was just a player playing with his puppet(me). And either way, he is just not a standard man and not at all deserving of a true lady. And this very sentence is what makes me stronger everyday. I am proud to be stronger without him rather than be merely satisfied with him.
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